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This tongue-firmly-in-cheek view of High Energy Physics was written at the Les Houches Workshop on Tev Colliders (2003) taking off from Money for Nothing (with due apologies to Dire Straits).


Look at them bozos
That's the way you do it
Claim all the physics at a TeV
That's the way you do it
Get your money for nothing
and your Higgs for free
That's the way you do it
Sure these guys ain't dumb
Maybe there's SUSY behind every curve
Maybe a Higgs under every bump
We got to install vertex detectors
Hi-tech calorimetry
We got to move these accelerators
all the way beyond a TeV.

The big cheese doesn't have his own jet code
No buddy, he doesn't care for jets
The only jet he does is when he flies the Concorde
Hey, what the heck, he is a millionaire
We got to install vertex detectors
Hi-tech calorimetry
We got to move these accelerators
all the way beyond a TeV.

I should have learnt to run them programs
I should have learnt to tune those cuts
Tagging on the bottom for the Higgs to see
No that ain't working
Get your money for nothing
and your Higgs for free
Money for nothing
and your Higgs for free

I want my....
I want my....
I want my TeVVVVVVV

I want my....
I want my....
I want my TeVVVVVVV